Friday, November 16, 2012

Drinking At Rex’s Den – A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

Page 1 – Start
You walk into Rex’s Den, you sit down at the Bar, you’re not sure why you’re here but there’s some money in your pocket that you’re willing to burn. A man faces the bar and is very seriously mixing somebody a drink.
After he finishes serving he comes up to you, “Hello, my name is James Barber. I’ll be your Bartender for the evening. Can I get you something to start off with?
“Can I have a Rex’s Burger please? I’m not drinking.” – Proceed to Page 9
”Give me something exotic that’ll get me drunk.”  - Proceed to Page 2
“What have you got on tap?” – Proceed to page 7

Page 2 – Pumpkin Pie Shot
After watching the bartender run around and grab about two dozen bottles, and carefully pour each into this tiny glass from the back of a spoon, you receive a shot glass full of Bailey’s, Kahlua, Goldschlager, with bits of cinnamon sprinkled on top. It is on fire.

“Go ahead and blow the fire out, take a shot of that and tell me how that tastes,” James says.

You blow it out, and pound it back. It’s pretty sweet, the warmth of it burns your throat a little, but that soon subsides while the warmth stays. Cinnamon lingers on your tongue.
“That was good! You got something I can drink for more than 2 seconds though?” Proceed to page 6.
“Woah, I’m not having any more of that! Give me the bill I’m going home.” Proceed to page 15

Page 3 - Caesar Made with Bacon Vodka and Garlic
He’s so proud of his creation. “I just soaked bacon in Vodka, but don’t tell anyone that’s my secret.” James says, pretty loudly.

The caesar arrives. You’re wondering if there’s fat congealing in it from the bacon but it’s really just little specks of garlic. There’s plenty of tabasco sauce, and to be quite honest this tastes like the best salad you’ve ever had, you’ll ever have.

The garlic compliments the clamato juice perfectly, and the bacon adds a smoky, meaty character to the drink you’d never expect from a serving of two booze-soaked vegetables.
Mike adds you on Facebook and you’re officially friends (on the internet) now. It’s getting late however, and you plan on going home and watching TV until you fall asleep. So you pay up and start to get ready. Proceed to page 16.

Page 4 - Angry Rex Poutine
You order the Angry Rex Poutine, and start talking with the guy.
Ohh, he just meant he’s tried all 8 or so beers on tap at the bar here, well except for Sapporo. He’s a regular, like many of the other people here. They come in and unwind when they’re all done their work after a long day.
Your food arrives and boy does it look and smell good. It tastes even better too. You love how the fries get all mushy and covered in all those different sauces at the bottom. You love how the spiciness mixes with the cheese and gravy. You realize however, this is a lot more food than you bargained for. You share some with Mike, but he just ate and doesn’t take too much.
You force yourself to keep on. Proceed to page 3.
Man you’re full. You get out of here. Proceed to page 15.

Page 5 - Irish Car Bomb
You order an Irish car bomb, because for some reason you think it’s impressive and that you’re still the only one that knows about it. Plus you wanna prove to Mike that you can outdrink him, because someone that knows about all the beers in the world has to be a heavy drinker, right?
So, you drop the shot of Bailey’s into the half pint of Guinness and chug it before it curdles. It’s a lot of booze but it’s really smooth.
“Are you alright?" he asks.
Of course you are, you have to be. You ask the bartender for another drink, “something fancy.” He gives you a “Don Draper”. Proceed to page 13.

Page 6 - Happy Green Apple
James puts together two handfuls of liqueur into a mixer, pours it into a glass, and fills it the rest of the way with Somersby cider. It tastes like a Crisp summer limonade slushy.

“This is the best selling drink tonight! It’s my personal favorite too. Somersby Cider itself is our most popular drink on tap.” James says

He leans in close and whispers, “See those people that walked out?”
You look behind you and catch the backs of a few people’s heads leaving

“They were just making out at the bar,” James says.

”They were making out!?” You repeat. The sound of footsteps behind you quickly turns into a run.

”Yeah, you know what they were drinking?” You look down.
“That’s right! Enjoy.”

You start telling the bartender your relationship problems. He is officially your therapist now. Luckily he gives you practical and witty advice. You begin to get braver and begin eyeing a cutie far away. They walk up to the bar and order a drink.

“What did they get?” You ask. Proceed to page 11.

“Oh man, I should just go home now.” Give me the bill please. Proceed to page 15.

Page 7 – Beer
What might be the only drink to ever matter, ever. Ever. Sure it’s kind of pricey here but it’s so dang good, plus they just cleaned the taps (at least that’s what they say). You grab a Hop City, a very bitter, very herby hoppy drink that manages to stay somewhat crisp, and not leave an aftertaste too long in your mouth. You start talking to the guy next to ya, because he’s drinking the same brand.

He says it’s his favourite “after trying them ALL,” he says.

Like, every beer in the world? Can such a man exist? Is he the chosen one?
You shake his hand weakly, “I’m Mike,” He says, with a strong grip.

You chug your beer, because you don’t know what to say to such a master. You order something that isn’t beer.
More booze? – Proceed to page 5
Some food to distract him – Proceed to page 4.

Page 8 - Soda
You grab a bubbly, sugary classic. Take it to the foosball table where somebody is obviously waiting for a challenge.

The rules: No spins.

You keep spinning it anyway but they don’t care that much, they’re wooping you anyway.

You get more and more mad by the fact that you keep losing, you’re offering rematches and trying to place bets that your opponent won’t take. Finally you win one game. You think you’re on a roll and play again. You get beat again 9-0.
Now you’re thinking “Did he let me win? Do I really suck?”

You go to the bar, and pay your bill.  - Proceed to page 17.

Page 9 - Rex Burger
It’s a school night, you don’t want to drink, or you don’t like to drink. Good choice. Your brain, your grades, your wallet and the rest of your organs will spend a lifetime thanking you for that. Besides, why buy all those expensive drinks when for the price of one of them you can get this delicious meal? You’re waiting for your food.

James makes friendly chit chat. (Y/N)
It arrives in a timely manner, and it looks good. The french fries are lightly salted, with a good crisp on the outside that leads to a tender flaky potato on the inside. The garlic mayonnaise in the burger is AMAZING with the beef and vegetables. You don’t even need much ketchup.

“Do you want anything to drink? You can try some of our mocktails as a sweet non-alcoholic drink.,” James suggests. Proceed to page 10

Page 10 – Cinderella
It’s like a strawberry cream flavoured hard candy. Made with an an assortment of juices, and non alcoholic bar fluids (probably magic). This reminds you of being a happy little girl, even if you’ve never been one (though now, maybe you wish you were). A tasty treat to top your meal off.

You’re about to leave but before you do, you spot a foosball table in the corner. You grab a soda with you. Proceed to page 8.

Page 11 - Purple Panty Drop
“That my friend, is the purple panty drop, made with Blue Curacao, Somersby Cider, Raspberry Liqueur. Delicious. This is a new drink. I doubt you’ll ever get it anywhere else,” James says.

“Wow you’re helpful. Can I have one? I wanna be able to get into their head before I approach them. You know?” You say, voice only slightly blurred.
The drink is sweet and sour, like an electric gummy worm covered in those little sour crystals. This person must be really sweet if you get on their good side, you deduce.

You sit alone and slurp and plan your next move. Proceed to Page 12.

Page  12 - Alien Brain Hemorrhage
“Can I get them something to really impress them? Something also sweet, but that can show them I’m like, interesting,” you ask.

“Well I’ve got this one drink you’re gonna love, the Alien Brain Hemorrhage. It’s colourful and weird, like you seem to be. I can mix you up two of them and you can give one to that person your eyein’. What do ya say?” James, your new best friend says.

You agree.
He mixes up these two things.

You bring them over to the cutie, and they refuse because a person is never supposed to accept open drinks from a stranger they’ve never met. Imagine what could happen!

You end up drinking both. Luckily they are sweet. Who ever knew something so alcoholic could taste so good? It’s like they mixed all your Halloween candy in a blender and you had to drink it. But by now you’re pretty obviously drunk and James sees that this is not your night. Politely, he tries to cut you off, for your own sake.
You grab your things and start heading home. Proceed to page 19.
You demand he gives you the fanciest thing he can think of to impress the person. You try to walk in a straight line, touch your nose and so forth to prove you're sober enough. You beg until finally he accepts. Proceed to page 14.

Page 13 - Old Fashioned
Mostly whiskey, with some bitters and fruit at the bottom (cherry, orange). It’s a pretty tough bitter drink, with a sweet touch to it. If you wanna get all hygiene products-sexist about it, an American ad company might say it’s “strong enough for a man, made for a woman," but that’s baloney. It’s a drink made for everybody, even your kids (ok not your kids).

You drink this one too fast too, because you still need to show Mike what you’re worth, he’s still sipping on his first beer and talking to the person next to ya. What a chump. You sure showed him.

Twenty minutes after you’ve arrived, James cuts you off.

You pay up and proceed to try to leave your stool, stumbling a little. Proceed to page 19

Page 14 - Flaming Lamborghini
This happens.
Everyone watches you and hopes you burn yourself (just kidding). The cutie’s already gone though. Besides, by now you’re waaaay too drunk anyway, and they would just be worried more about you puking all over them than anything else.

James is not too impressed either, you pay your bill and proceed to go home. Proceed to page 18

Page 15 - You left early.
You’re buzzed. Pretty disappointed after all. There will be other nights, however, better nights. They might not involve booze though. Maybe you should stop drinking for a bit though? Doesn’t seem like it’s the best thing for ya.

Page 16 - You were really just hungry, weren’t ya?
It’s a struggle to get off the stool. You must have eaten about a thousand calories in less than an hour. You manage though. You get to your bus stop, get on the first one that startles you awake. It’s the wrong bus but you don’t notice. The itis has you now. You fall asleep on the bus, wake up at the Toronto airport, and it’s 4am. Maybe you shouldn't eat and drink so much.

Page 17 – Sober / Foosball Loser
You decide to spend the next four years of your life in University playing foosball. You spend more and more of your OSAP money on “the tables” as you call them, wooing in first year students, making them cry, just so you can be ready for a rematch with “that guy” who you never see again. Did he even go to this school? Did he graduate? Was he just a figment of your imagination?

Page 18 – Spent too much money ending
You got all the flashiest drinks and walked out with  a $150 bill. Your head is spinning, you feel sick. You are broke, and won’t remember anything. The supposed glitz and glamour you coifed will fade away like morning dew just like your grades.You want your mother but you’re afraid of what she’ll do to you. Maybe you shouldn’t drink any more.

Page 19 – That’ll get ya drunk right and quick
They say beer before liquor never been sicker, liquor before beer you’re in the clear. But it’s really just about how much booze you drink and how fast. You messed up. You’ve gotta go have dinner at grandma’s house in an hour and she’s not gonna be impressed with the mess you’ll make on her carpet. Maybe you shouldn’t drink.

Page 20 – You read through this whole story sequentially
You literally ate and drank everything there was here. You end up at the hospital getting your stomach pumped. The doctors call your parents telling them you’re, “literally about to explode and get everyone in the room drunk.” You wake up in the hospital and really gotta use the bathroom, and didn’t know hangovers like this existed.


  1. LOL Jakub this is hilarious and now I want to

  2. Ma man Jamie barber!!!

  3. This is the greatest piece of advertisement I have ever read! Definitely going to visit this place sometime in my next 4 years at this school!

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